Here's the thing: a wedding vs a marriage

I have a client who is a wedding planner. Talented, creative, organised – she’s everything you could want as someone to help plan a very important day.

However, her greatest strength, I believe, is that one of her guiding principles is to value the marriage more than the wedding.

Working with her own clients, she explores what their relationship is like, and what they want their marriage to be like, in order to create a wedding day that is authentic to them, and that starts their journey as a married couple.

This, to me, is refreshing and brilliant.

I’m all about sustainability. I don’t find quick fixes or flashy short-term plans particularly enjoyable or satisfying – I’m much more about finding the long term goals and aims.

That’s not to say I don’t do short term or one-off – because I do, and this work with clients is often very valuable and enjoyable. But it’s because I use quick fixes to re-orientate towards sustainability and long term aims.

This analogy of wedding vs marriage can easily be applied to a small creative business.

Because both are important. The wedding (which could be a launch, re-launch, Christmas period etc.) sets you off on the right path. It declares your intention, celebrates something very important, and gathers people together. It creates something special, something symbolic, that will be looked back on and referred to as a wonderful, special, magical time.

But the wedding isn’t more important than the marriage. The marriage (day to day business life, the ongoing sustainability of your business) is how you live out your intentions. It includes the full range of life experiences – excitement, disappointment, vulnerability, starting afresh. A marriage requires daily attention, a million forgivenesses, and the commitment to learning, trying again, living by the principles you agreed on your wedding day.

Here’s the thing:

Are you living for a wedding or a marriage?

Did you expect your business-wedding (new website launch, new range launch, advertising) to change everything, to change the everyday of your business-marriage?

If you’re planning a re-launch, new product launch, or simply thinking about Christmas, consider what your principles for the long-term marriage are. How will you demonstrate them at your ‘wedding’?

What are your business-marriage principles and values? (Also, what are your actual marriage principles and values? Different, but connected.)

Are you living them every day? Is anything missing? Do you need a vow renewal with your business?

Ah, I do love a metaphor and analogy to get us thinking differently!

Suffice to say: build a business for the long term, with sustainability. Use any short term goals to work towards that.

(And yes, as always, I’m taking my own advice.)

PS I currently have a spot open for a weekly mentoring client, and space for one-off mentoring sessions, so if you need to edge back towards sustainability, or need help planning a business-wedding, please get in touch.

Here's the thing: bounce-ability

I’ve been thinking recently about what it takes to bounce back from set backs. It’s not always easy, when things go wrong, to come back fighting. Or to deal with it at all, to be honest.

Obviously, we try to prevent things from going wrong. We try to stop disasters from happening, and we try to keep people happy and customers satisfied. But we can’t always control the outcome.

In fact, trying to control the outcome all the time is pretty exhausting and can prevent you from doing what you want to do. You can end up not doing anything, because you’re afraid of doing something wrong.

What’s more important, in fact, is how readily you bounce back.

We’re programmed and often in the habit of beating ourselves up when something goes wrong. Of jumping straight into that familiar story of “I’m such an idiot”, “This is a disaster”, “I can’t believe I let this happen”. Whatever your version of this story is, it can hold you back from responding well from the situation, and, ultimately, it can make the “bad thing” worse.

When you get stuck in this blame-shame story after something goes wrong, you reduce your ability to fix the problem. You prevent yourself from seeing things clearly, and you hold yourself back from turning things around.

And you actually make that “I’m an idiot” voice stronger. Which isn’t what we want at all!

If, instead, you focus on your bounce-ability, you give yourself an opportunity to have a much healthier relationship with mistakes and unforeseen circumstances.

I’ve been working on my own bounce-ability for a while, and there have been moments recently when I’ve thought, “Wow, I would never have been able to deal with that so well – it would have spun me out and made me feel like crap for days.” It’s a muscle I’ve learnt to develop. Thank goodness!

For example, last week I hosted my first live call as part of my course, Inspired Action. I’ve done live chat before – where you’re just typing – but not really a live video call. And I had tested the technology a bit, but it still wasn’t what I expected. We had ads (really awkward ones), and people had them at different times. And, in true working-from-home style, my postman was really determined to deliver a package about 10 minutes into the call. Because I was in my usual spot, he could see me from the window, so not only was he ringing the doorbell, he started waving at me from outside!

First off, I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who was on the call, and was so understanding and kind while all of this was happening. Thank you all for knowing that I’m human!

I’m also proud of myself for keeping my cool, knowing that I kind of had to make the most of the call anyway. I used humour and kindness to explain what was going on, and I made sure that I followed up online with anyone who’d missed a bit of an answer. I encouraged people to ask for what they needed if they didn’t get it in the call because of the interruptions.

And when I say I used kindness, let me clarify: I was kind to myself.

Even while I was on camera and talking to people, I was running a kindness script in my head. “This is a disaster! No, wait, look, people are really enjoying the course. And they’re still on the call. This is going okay, despite interruptions. You’re handling this as best you can, and you know that you can make up for it afterwards. Let’s keep going. Focus on the question in front of you. Ignore the postie…”

Bounce-ability is a shift from “Oh no!” to “Right, what can I do about this?”. Or, when there’s nothing to do, “I did my best, what can I learn for next time?”. (It’s not “Oh my god, that can never happen again!” But, “How can I make it better next time?”)

Bounce-ability recognises that we’re human, that perfection is an illusion, and that progress is where it’s at!

Here’s the thing…

I wanted to share some ideas and resources to help you build and develop your bounce-ability. Many of the concepts are based in self-compassion, and I highly recommend Dr Kristin Neff’s book ‘Self-Compassion’, and the resources on her website.

Here are some ways to build your own bounce-ability:

Compassion. Let’s start with the biggie. A huge part of bouncing back is accepting mistakes as a part of life, a part of human experience. It’s okay to mess up. It happens. It’s hard, but it’s not a reflection of how brilliant you are. Compassion means recognising when something’s hard for you, being nice to yourself about it and giving yourself credit for dealing with it.
Letting go of control. Know that you can’t control everything. The “I’m so stupid” response gets in the way of bouncing back because it reinforces the false belief that you’re able to control every outcome, and have failed. In actual fact, you’ve done your best, but something has happened.
Repeat after me: It’s not the end of the world. Let’s get some loving perspective on whatever has happened. Sure, you might be embarrassed or have lost money on a mistake. But you’re still here, still breathing, still able to choose a great way to deal with it.

The points above are phase 1 – the good self-talk, the positive reinforcements. The better able you are to connect with these three principles, the easier it will be to move on to phase 2 – dealing with it.

Focus on what you can do. Once we’ve been kind to ourselves about the problem, let’s stop dwelling on it. Rather than getting caught up in over-thinking all the things that led to the problem, let’s focus on now, on what we can do. It might be time to get out the mop and marigolds, and clean up!
Take initial action quickly. This gets easier with time, because you can complete phase 1 more quickly. Even if it’s one tiny step, the quicker you do it, the quicker you let everyone know you’re on it, and it’s going to be fine (including yourself).
Have protocol, where possible. This is particularly helpful in your business. For example, if there’s a problem with an order going missing, it can be really helpful for you to decide that you don’t even bat an eyelid – you simply send out another one. Customer’s happy, you’re feeling good, and you haven’t wasted time worrying about how awful or annoying it is. Having protocol, especially for customer service issues, makes it way easier to bounce back from problems. It works really well for semi-predictable situations
Think creatively, and think long-term. When you allow yourself to focus on all the options (not just the one where you’re hiding in a corner forever), you can really creative about a problem. You don’t just bounce back. You turn the whole freaking thing around! And, what’s more, you recognise that it’s all about the long-term – one little blip isn’t going to set you back.

It’s not always easy to deal with mistakes, and when things go wrong. And I know from my own experience that this is something to develop over time. But I hope that, next time you find yourself in a sticking situation, you’ll come back to these ideas.

Ultimately, I hope you remember that, even when you mess up or something unexpected happens, you’re doing great, you’re only human, and you’ll survive.

Have a great weekend,

Here's the thing: emotional health

As I write this, I feel nervous, a little shaky, and a little excited. It’s something I believe in, something I feel passionately about, and something I’m discovering to be true, in some way, every day.

You know when you hit on something you feel like you just have to do? And it’s scary because it’s outside your comfort zone? That’s where I’m at right now. It’s outside my comfort zone because it’s not the straight-forward “business advice” that I imagine a lot of people are looking for.

But it’s also inside my comfort zone because I know that, especially as small businesses, we have to function from a holistic place, a place of wholeness, where we see that we’re people as well as business owners, manufacturers, workers.

When I created and led my first retreat in March, it was this knowledge that I drew upon. I know that we need rest, rejuvenation, quiet, reflection in order to “function” at our best. I wanted to offer people a soft place to land. And it’s a joy to see how much it has allowed the retreat-goers to do since.

Now, as I think about my work and about planning a retreat for next year, I’m seeing that the holistic, personal approach is really important, more important than just running a weekend where I tell people how to market products, write product descriptions and take photos.

Because I know this to be true: human beings are emotional, feeling creatures.

Whether we like it or not, we have feelings. And what I’ve learned through extensive (and sometimes painful) personal experience is that feelings are meant to be felt. (Disclaimer: I’m still learning that lesson.)

Denial of feelings and experiences muddles us up. Maybe we don’t want to be sad that we were made redundant, or angry that someone did something. Maybe we spend a lot of time trying not to be hurt by someone’s comments or actions. Maybe we pretend to be someone we’re not, so we don’t offend people or annoy them. Maybe we avoid grief.

But all that denial and avoidance and pushing away gets in the way of processing the feelings. Which means that the feelings show up when we’re trying to make “rational” decisions.

If we haven’t admitted to ourselves that we’re hurt by that mean or dismissive comment, then the hurt tries to get our attention. The feeling creeps into thinking, subconsciously. Maybe we start hustling for approval from that person, to make up for the fact they didn’t like us the last time. And then we make decisions that aren’t truly our own.

When we don’t admit that we’re afraid of failure, of being judged, of being rejected, we can’t reassure ourselves. We can’t weigh up the risks in a true and authentic way. We let our fears run us, without really being aware of them at all.

There’s part of me afraid of writing this post. Afraid that there will be people who think it’s too “wishy-washy”, who don’t “get it”, who don’t want to feel the feelings – they just want to hear how to plan for a successful Christmas.

I’ve heard what that part of me has to say. And I know she’s scared of being rejected for having emotions as well as rational thoughts. I know why she’s scared of that – we live in a culture that doesn’t value feelings. It values productivity, output, rational, measurable, clear-cut, and dependable. Which feelings aren’t.

You know what’s dependable about feelings? Once felt, they don’t run the show.

I’ve allowed myself to feel afraid. And now I can bring myself – my whole self, with feelings and thoughts – to say yes to pressing publish.

Here’s the thing

The more you deny your feelings, the harder your brain has to work to compensate. Which leads to over-thinking. Which leads to decision paralysis. Which leads to depression and anxiety.

To break the cycle, you have to feel the feelings.

In this male-dominated world, we talk about “mental health”. I would like a re-brand: emotional health. Mental health speaks of the over-thinking, which is only a result of the under-feeling.

As women, we tend to be particularly susceptible to under-feeling, because it’s “weak”, “unprofessional”, and messy. It is messy, but it’s not weak. And when we’re running businesses, we try so hard to hold other people’s understanding of what it means to be professional, and I suggest that sensitive, feeling, and emotional can be essential parts of our professionalism.

So, to feel your feelings, you may want to try:

Creating a safe place to do so. It might be with a counsellor, therapist or coach, or a trusted friend or partner. You might need to carve out alone time, in a comfy chair, with no interruptions.
Free-writing. Once you’re in your safe place, start writing whatever you’re feeling. Just allow what comes, without censoring yourself. If you’re stuck, start with this prompt: right now, I really crave…
Breathe. If you’re used to pushing feelings down, breathe into being open to them. It’s not easy when you start. It can feel like the world will end. It won’t. Breathe.
Get the tissues out. Give yourself whatever you need to process the feelings, whether that’s a good cry, a secret shouting match at life, or writing it all down.
Go gently. Be very kind to yourself. Don’t rush back into thinking or doing. Notice what it was like to feel, and if anything has shifted for you.

You might feel like you’ve opened up an ocean of feelings. You don’t have to feel them all at once. You can be gentle with yourself until you feel strong enough to be honest even more. If you start feeling overwhelmed by the force of emotion, make sure you’re getting some help to guide you through it. The UKCP is a good place to start.

The aim isn’t to be a blubbering wreck the whole time, but to free up your energy to live your life, run your business, make healthy decisions, instead of spending so much energy suppressing feelings you think you shouldn’t have. You should.

And any feeling you have – sadness, fear, anxiety, shame, despair, joy, overwhelm, worry, love – I’ve had too, at some point. We’re human. Feelings happen to everyone. They don’t make you weak.

Just like taking care of your body, you have to take care of your emotions, too.

Take really good care this weekend.

Here’s the thing:

Here’s the thing…

Because I know this to be true: human beings are emotional, feeling creatures.

Here’s the thing

Enter The Forge