Here's the thing: control what you can

Recently I’ve been thinking about control. Lots of people – friends, clients, people on Facebook – claim to be “control freaks”. In my life, I have also claimed the same.

It feels good to be in control, right? And when we decide to be self-employed, it’s often because we want to be in the driving seat of our working lives (and, moreover our whole lives). We like autonomy. I certainly do.

But the truth of life is that we can’t control everything. We can’t control the weather, or the postal service, or customers, or suppliers. We can’t control other people. We can’t decide what anyone else is going to do.

That’s the reality we live in. And a lot of the time it feels really hard.

Because we want to do it our way. Because we want to do it well.

I find it really challenging when I have a vision for something, some way that it’ll work, but there’s an obstacle in the way of making it happen. And I hear this almost daily from clients. There are often compromises to be made on a product design, or a photograph, or a sales platform.

We can see how it could work, beautifully – and we want to control everything to make sure it does. You know what it’s like. Control the beginning, control the end. Control the design, control the production. Control what people say and think and feel about you.

More and more, I’m getting comfortable with not being in control of everything. So that I can focus my efforts on areas that I can influence. So that I don’t drive myself mad.

Here’s the thing:

I think a big part of getting comfortable with not being in control – for me – started last year, when I chose trust as my word for the year. If you’re going to try to let go of control a little more, trust is a really good place to start.

I’m learning that I can only trust myself to do the things that are really, genuinely, in my control. That’s honestly about two things each day. I can control my actions. I can (try to) control my responses. I can influence what I put out in the world (I can’t always control every bit of it).

If I try to trust myself to do more – if I try to control more – I ultimately let myself down. Which doesn’t feel good. And it tends to lead to a downward spiral, like this:

Try to control something I can’t… Feel it slipping away… Try harder… Tell myself I’m going to fail… Fail… Beat myself up about it… Try to control something else…

Sometimes, when we lose control of one thing (say, a product launch or a response from a supplier), we try to control other things (like our spouse’s behaviour, or our children’s eating habits). And because we’re already angry about not being in control, we take it out on them and on us.

The answer?

Focus your attention and efforts on what you can influence.

Forget everyone else. (Comparison is the thief of joy.)

Trust that the right outcome will come your way, whether it’s something to learn from or something that turns out as you hoped. (You’ll still learn from that anyway, I hope.)

The world could use fewer control freaks and more trust. I hope you’ll join me on the journey.

Here's the thing: emotional health

As I write this, I feel nervous, a little shaky, and a little excited. It’s something I believe in, something I feel passionately about, and something I’m discovering to be true, in some way, every day.

You know when you hit on something you feel like you just have to do? And it’s scary because it’s outside your comfort zone? That’s where I’m at right now. It’s outside my comfort zone because it’s not the straight-forward “business advice” that I imagine a lot of people are looking for.

But it’s also inside my comfort zone because I know that, especially as small businesses, we have to function from a holistic place, a place of wholeness, where we see that we’re people as well as business owners, manufacturers, workers.

When I created and led my first retreat in March, it was this knowledge that I drew upon. I know that we need rest, rejuvenation, quiet, reflection in order to “function” at our best. I wanted to offer people a soft place to land. And it’s a joy to see how much it has allowed the retreat-goers to do since.

Now, as I think about my work and about planning a retreat for next year, I’m seeing that the holistic, personal approach is really important, more important than just running a weekend where I tell people how to market products, write product descriptions and take photos.

Because I know this to be true: human beings are emotional, feeling creatures.

Whether we like it or not, we have feelings. And what I’ve learned through extensive (and sometimes painful) personal experience is that feelings are meant to be felt. (Disclaimer: I’m still learning that lesson.)

Denial of feelings and experiences muddles us up. Maybe we don’t want to be sad that we were made redundant, or angry that someone did something. Maybe we spend a lot of time trying not to be hurt by someone’s comments or actions. Maybe we pretend to be someone we’re not, so we don’t offend people or annoy them. Maybe we avoid grief.

But all that denial and avoidance and pushing away gets in the way of processing the feelings. Which means that the feelings show up when we’re trying to make “rational” decisions.

If we haven’t admitted to ourselves that we’re hurt by that mean or dismissive comment, then the hurt tries to get our attention. The feeling creeps into thinking, subconsciously. Maybe we start hustling for approval from that person, to make up for the fact they didn’t like us the last time. And then we make decisions that aren’t truly our own.

When we don’t admit that we’re afraid of failure, of being judged, of being rejected, we can’t reassure ourselves. We can’t weigh up the risks in a true and authentic way. We let our fears run us, without really being aware of them at all.

There’s part of me afraid of writing this post. Afraid that there will be people who think it’s too “wishy-washy”, who don’t “get it”, who don’t want to feel the feelings – they just want to hear how to plan for a successful Christmas.

I’ve heard what that part of me has to say. And I know she’s scared of being rejected for having emotions as well as rational thoughts. I know why she’s scared of that – we live in a culture that doesn’t value feelings. It values productivity, output, rational, measurable, clear-cut, and dependable. Which feelings aren’t.

You know what’s dependable about feelings? Once felt, they don’t run the show.

I’ve allowed myself to feel afraid. And now I can bring myself – my whole self, with feelings and thoughts – to say yes to pressing publish.

Here’s the thing

The more you deny your feelings, the harder your brain has to work to compensate. Which leads to over-thinking. Which leads to decision paralysis. Which leads to depression and anxiety.

To break the cycle, you have to feel the feelings.

In this male-dominated world, we talk about “mental health”. I would like a re-brand: emotional health. Mental health speaks of the over-thinking, which is only a result of the under-feeling.

As women, we tend to be particularly susceptible to under-feeling, because it’s “weak”, “unprofessional”, and messy. It is messy, but it’s not weak. And when we’re running businesses, we try so hard to hold other people’s understanding of what it means to be professional, and I suggest that sensitive, feeling, and emotional can be essential parts of our professionalism.

So, to feel your feelings, you may want to try:

Creating a safe place to do so. It might be with a counsellor, therapist or coach, or a trusted friend or partner. You might need to carve out alone time, in a comfy chair, with no interruptions.
Free-writing. Once you’re in your safe place, start writing whatever you’re feeling. Just allow what comes, without censoring yourself. If you’re stuck, start with this prompt: right now, I really crave…
Breathe. If you’re used to pushing feelings down, breathe into being open to them. It’s not easy when you start. It can feel like the world will end. It won’t. Breathe.
Get the tissues out. Give yourself whatever you need to process the feelings, whether that’s a good cry, a secret shouting match at life, or writing it all down.
Go gently. Be very kind to yourself. Don’t rush back into thinking or doing. Notice what it was like to feel, and if anything has shifted for you.

You might feel like you’ve opened up an ocean of feelings. You don’t have to feel them all at once. You can be gentle with yourself until you feel strong enough to be honest even more. If you start feeling overwhelmed by the force of emotion, make sure you’re getting some help to guide you through it. The UKCP is a good place to start.

The aim isn’t to be a blubbering wreck the whole time, but to free up your energy to live your life, run your business, make healthy decisions, instead of spending so much energy suppressing feelings you think you shouldn’t have. You should.

And any feeling you have – sadness, fear, anxiety, shame, despair, joy, overwhelm, worry, love – I’ve had too, at some point. We’re human. Feelings happen to everyone. They don’t make you weak.

Just like taking care of your body, you have to take care of your emotions, too.

Take really good care this weekend.

Here's the thing: marketing

Since leaving notonthehighstreet.com (almost a year ago!), two things have become really clear to me:

1. Online marketplaces are changing. It’s a great model, but NOTHS and Etsy (and even Folksy and smaller sites) are getting too big to guarantee visibility and sales to all who join. Etsy no longer shows all new products on a homepage or category page. NOTHS is so big now, you really have to be featured to gain page views.

2. Creative businesses who’ve seen success on marketplaces often don’t really know how to market themselves. Because it wasn’t necessary to market yourself when NOTHS did it for you (with gumption). Or Etsy provided the visibility naturally. I’ve said it about a hundred times in the last year: so many NOTHS sellers are at 9 out of 10 for general business skills (because they’ve had to be), but 2 out of 10 for marketing skills (because they haven’t had to).

If you’re reading and thinking, OMG, that’s me, don’t panic. You’re not alone, and there’s so much you can do about it.

The first thing to accept is that everything is a work in progress, because the world evolves constantly, and your business will evolve and grow in the next week, not to mention the next year. Your skills as a business owner will continue to develop even if you don’t do very much at all – the experience of running a business is a guarantee of that, no matter what.

Another thing I encourage you to see is that marketing isn’t a terrifying, technical piece of expertise that’s going to take you a degree and ten years’ experience to understand. It’s not. Marketing is basically flirting, and even before it’s that, it’s just talking to people. Hopefully about your business and your products.

People ask me for marketing advice all the time, and to be honest, it still stumps me on occasion. I still fall to the belief that you have to be “in marketing” to know what it is, or that you have to have detailed knowledge and understanding of Facebook or Google and how they work. There have been times, when faced with so many questions and so much fear, I’ve questioned whether I know about marketing at all! And then I remember that, in fact, I do – and it’s not as complicated or scary as the questions in front of me.

Marketing is not advertising.

Advertising (paid-for ads in magazines, newspapers, blogs, Facebook, shops, tubes, etc) might form part of your marketing strategy, but that’s not all marketing is. And advertising is changing – because consumers are changing. We’re used to online ads now, and magazine ads. Yes, it’s a good way to get visibility and awareness up (if you’re targeting the right kind of people with an ad), but it’s not a guarantee of sales.

If you choose to use paid-for advertising, whether on Facebook or in magazine, see it as an experiment that you’ll tweak next time based on the results. And always, always, make sure you’re targeting an audience who are likely to be interested in what you’re selling. (Extra advice: if someone calls you up to sell you advertising, be skeptical. Even if it’s Vogue.)

SEO isn’t complex.

Geek out over SEO research or other people’s reports if it floats your boat. But here’s my tried-and-tested experience: good content is good content, and if you write well, post good images (with image tags) and build links to your page or site, your online content will get found. There. One sentence. You can totally do that.

As with many things in small business, it’s often better to delegate what you’re not an expert in. But I encourage you to experiment with being your own marketing strategist, because there are charlatans out there. And you can totally do this. You might seek out a copywriter if that isn’t your forte. You may ask someone to manage your social media or advertising experiments, but be involved in the big questions, so that you know what works and what doesn’t for your business.

Marketing is something that you can do on your own terms. So embrace that, and get it working for you.

Here’s the thing:

Marketing is about consistency. Keep sharing your products, your message, your brand with people. And yes, keep sharing the same things with them. Variations on a theme, if you will.

Some things to do:

Find three marketing messages for your business. A basic example: ‘We sell shoes.’ ‘Our shoes are handmade.’ ‘We (and our products) are fun and high quality.’ Make sure every single thing you send out points to at least one of those messages.
Get the big paper out and plan your social media and other marketing. Create a marketing plan that involves regular posts on social media, regular advertising tests (should you wish), and regular press releases. Notice the most-used word in that sentence: REGULAR. You have to keep putting things out there, every week.
Send out press releases and samples to people who will like your products. Find magazines and bloggers who are talking to your audience, who are aligned with what you’re making. Create a press release that tells them, lovingly, about you and your products. Show them nice shiny images, or post them a sample of your product. Tell them where to find you online and how to get in touch. Do this for every new product. And consider doing something now for Christmas.

And I know there will be some of you who are already posting regularly (or not) and feel like you’re sending message out into a black hole, a void that never sees or returns your calls. That may be a signal that you need to shake it up. Post more images, if you’re always posting words. Or make sure all your images have nice captions, calls to action, or discussion points. Post elsewhere, targeting different people. Do something that simply brings a smile to people’s faces. That’s the point of marketing – make people feel good and associate it with you.

I promise marketing isn’t as complex or scary as it sounds. Every business is different and needs different things, so this is all about experimenting with what works for you.

My upcoming course, Inspired Action, will spend an entire week on marketing, and will include a lovely marketing planner. If you’re wondering about how to build your marketing skills and strategy, it might be just the thing for you. Read more and register here.

Have a lovely weekend!

Here’s the thing:

Because I know this to be true: human beings are emotional, feeling creatures.

Here’s the thing

Marketing is not advertising.

SEO isn’t complex.

Here’s the thing:

Enter The Forge