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Guest post: Betsy Benn on "networking" (and the antidote)

Betsy Benn is designer, director and The Boss at Betsy Benn Designs and Luna Studio Designs. Having started Betsy Benn in 2010, she’s seen rapid growth and all it brings with it. She’s also a long-time, tip-top client and retreat guest of mine.

In this post she shares all her experiences of networking, and suggests a delightful antidote.

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Have you ever been to one of those local business networking events because next door but one’s cousin went to one once and made loads of contacts and became a quadruple trillionaire overnight? You know the ones. Held in a beige, somewhat dog-eared hotel that seems to be having a chair shortage. Every third person is an accountant or a dog walker and the tea might be free but it’s also weak and the early birds got all the chocolate digestives?

I have. In fact I’ve probably stumbled through at least three more than I should’ve bothered with. I obviously kept expecting Richard Branson to show up or something, but without fail, across the whole range of business types I met, everyone was clearly pitching for business and immediately too. They wanted to do my accounts, bake cakes for the office every Friday or get me to place ads in their appallingly type set local directory. No one seemed to want to make contact just for the sake of knowing other local small business owners for the supportive shared experience of it all!

By far the most painful part of the whole process though was that inevitable question, “So what do you do then?” Oh how I hate that question! I know I should have an “elevator pitch” ready to go and I sort of do now, but how do you explain all the intricacies of being a professional small creative?

Passing over the idea of making up something ludicrous (topless motorcycle courier?) I reply with “I run my own design business” which of course brings follow up questions about what I design. “Personalised prints and greetings cards mostly” say I. And then the glazed look comes across my companion as they start imagining me sitting in my kitchen at nights, wonkily sticking mini bows and cut out shapes on a marbled card with scalloped edge and flogging them in hospital gift shops. They literally have no idea of where we started and what we’ve been through and how we keep going day after day and to be honest, I haven’t got the energy to explain it to them anymore.

Now stop laughing and nodding! Design for yourself the antithesis of everything I have described. A beautiful, bright welcoming space, full of pillowy sofas. An endless supply of drinks and biscuits and nibbles of all varieties whenever you fancy. And a room full to the brim of clever creative sorts, just like you, who know and appreciate exactly the world you’re in. They might have a different experience to you, but they’re eager to hear about your experience and once you all start chatting, magic starts to crackle in the air. An idea from here, a suggestion there, new thoughts, new energy, new directions, you can’t write it all down quickly enough. No-one wants you to buy anything from them! And when we touch upon the darker, harder moments we all face (possibly over a glass of wine or two), you see recognition and compassion in everyone’s faces. They just, get it.

Doing what we do can be a very isolating experience, partly because our business model is still very new out there. I can’t overemphasize the value I found in being able to spend time with other professional creatives. Time I could dedicate to just thinking about my business without simultaneously having to keep hold of every other job title; wife, mother, daughter, friend, boss and yes, even accountant and dog walker. Utter bliss.

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If you need what Betsy needed, check out my upcoming retreats.

Bloom: my word for 2016

Can you believe it’s 2016 already? In fact, can you believe it’s the 20th January? Crikey!

For the past three years, inspired by Susannah Conway and close friends, I’ve chosen a word for the year. A word to help guide me as I move through the year. In 2013, it was “let go”. In 2014, I chose “trust”. Last year, I decided on “care”. This year, it’s “bloom”.

When I look back at those words, I can see how I started with letting go of old beliefs and things that held me back, moved on to trusting myself and the universe as I started to dream of and create a new life and business for myself.

And of course this feels like a wonderful opportunity to check in with how care influenced last year for me. Having created a new home, a new business, started a new relationship in 2014, I was ready for some care in 2015. I was ready to care for myself, for my home, and for my clients. I was ready to explore what I needed to feel cared for. I also wanted to feel free to care about whatever I cared about – to follow my heart’s lead, rather than the things I “should” care about.

It worked! And it all unfolded in ways I couldn’t have predicted. I invested more in the yoga I love in order to care for my body. I threw myself into the work I love, and allowed myself to care about creating a really beautiful, nourishing retreat. I re-discovered how much I love to work with small businesses, with women, with like-minded folk.

And, at the end of the year, I’m not really done with care. There are ways in which I haven’t yet cared for myself. I’m still working on them. Care, like trust and letting go, has weaved its way into my values and thought processes. Which I thoroughly recommend, by the way. Caring for myself has led to better care of my partner, my home, my clients and my business. Check out last year’s Pinterest board if you’re looking for inspiration on how to invite in more care.

So what can I tell you about bloom?

It feels exciting. It feels expansive. It feels beautiful and feminine and gentle – and yet powerful.

In a session with my coach, Rachel, she suggested limitless as a potential word for 2016. Well, that was terrifying. But I knew what she was getting at: I’ve created this business, I’ve laid down the roots, and now I’m ready to take it to the next level, to expand in all kinds of ways I can’t even predict yet.

I can’t remember exactly where bloom came into my awareness, but I’m so glad it did! All that growth and expansion, but with real beauty and gentleness.

I love that it’s impossible to bloom without roots and nourishment.

I love the idea of blooming into a full expression of myself.

There are delicious quotes about blooming:

“Bloom where you are planted.”

“Happiness blooms from within.”

“She was learning to silence the noise and reawaken her own bright bloom.” (Kelly Rae Roberts) (And I do love a word that’s a verb and a noun…)

“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.”

“Nothing in nature blooms all year – be patient with yourself.”

Don’t they feel hopeful? In fact, don’t they feel full of live in general? To feel alive, that’s what bloom feels like to me.

Of course, I started a Pinterest board for this year, too. I’ll keep adding to it throughout the year as I discover more about what bloom means for me. I can’t wait!

And what about you?

Do you have a word for the year? Have you chosen one before? Is there something you’re ready to invite in to your life and business? Do you fancy joining me in blooming?

I’d love to hear!

Here's the thing: praise and criticism

Somewhere in the middle of last year, I realised I had a hunger for learning more. I’d been running my business a little over a year, and I’d built a decent understanding about the work I enjoyed and wanted to do more of, and the work that was showing up in front of me as I spoke to clients week on week.

I had this realisation that mentoring, to me, is a combination of consulting (“This is my experience, this is what I’d suggest”), coaching (in which the client holds the answers, and I’m a guide to uncovering them), and counselling (in which we uncover old beliefs and habits and past experiences that might be hindering). Some clients want 100% consultancy. Some clients want more coaching, to build their own skills and confidence. And sometimes we delve into counselling as we come up against some heavy stuff.

With modesty, I have skills and experience in all of these areas that I’ve built up over my lifetime. But I realised I wanted more confidence and clarity in understanding these three skills separately. I understood that there’s a connection between personal development and business development, but I wanted to know more.

I signed up for Tara Mohr’s Playing Big course for facilitators (coaches, teachers, leaders). It is just what I was looking for: discovering what empowers women in all kinds of ways and in all kinds of situations. And discovering how I, and my work, can empower women to build the lives and businesses they really want.

Okay, that’s all the back story. (Wait, let me just say: If you’re interested in Tara’s work, I highly recommend her book, Playing Big.)

So I’m currently about halfway through this six month training. The module that we’ve just finished is all about unhooking from praise and criticism, and it’s been an entire series of lightbulb moments, and I wanted to share some with you.

The most powerful premise of Tara’s work on this is: Feedback is always about the person giving it, rather than the person receiving it.

This isn’t too far off the adage that feedback is usually more about the person giving it. But it goes a step further.

For the avoidance of doubt: Feedback only ever gives us information about the person giving it.

So what does that mean? It means objective feedback doesn’t exist. It means that what other people think of our work, our products, our blog posts never means anything about us personally. It’s always about them and their experience.

So, if someone thinks your business idea is “bad” or scary or not worth the effort, that might tell you that they don’t like the idea of risk, or maybe they’re not convinced by your product range because they’re not your target audience. See how it’s about them, not you?

In any given situation, Tara suggests we consider all the things that the feedback is telling us about the other person’s preferences or situations or experiences.

Let’s say you receive feedback from a customer. The product isn’t as nice or as well-made as they expected. They tell you they’re disappointed and wouldn’t buy from you again.

I hear your pain, your anxiety, maybe even your sadness.

But let’s look through a fresh lens. This feedback is only information about their experience.

So what could we learn from their experience? What might this be telling us? Perhaps it’s telling us that they had certain expectations that weren’t met. Perhaps they’re disappointed. Perhaps they’re always disappointed.

What it’s not telling us: that you’re a bad person, that you’ve failed, that your products aren’t nice or well-made.

Tara helpfully points out that it can be handy to, compassionately, reflect on all the various things that might cause someone to be less-than-generous in their interactions. Perhaps they’re having a bad day. Perhaps they bought it as a gift that wasn’t received well. Perhaps they overspent on something else, so are extra touchy about how much they spent on your product (even though, on a different day, they wouldn’t bat an eyelid).

Once we’ve detached, even a little, from the feedback being objectively true and about us, we can decide whether it’s helpful.

We decide what our goals are in our businesses, and then we ask ourselves whether this piece of information about this person’s experience is helpful.

So, if their expectations were really high, and weren’t met, it may be helpful to you to know that. And if you had 100 people who gave you the same feedback, you might decide that managing expectations better suits your goals.

But one person with one experience, that is really all about them, may just be a piece of information to you.

I’ve found this shift in perception, this idea of unhooking from praise and criticism, really powerful.

What do you think?

And what about you?

Enter The Forge