self care

Here's the thing: thoughts on being tired

tiredAre you really tired? As an entrepreneur. As a boss. As a creative. As a parent. As a person. It’s tiring. There’s always so much STUFF to do. Never ending. Doom-laden.

I can totally relate.

I was on holiday (honeymoon) recently and I actually got to a point of not-tired. Which was amazing! How long is it since I felt like that?!

And so obviously I wanted to keep feeling not tired, even when I got home and was back to the normal routine and pressures. One of the best things about my honeymoon (that I can talk about publicly – oo-er!) was the clarity it allowed me. Space to think. Space to reflect. No deadlines. No ‘must-do’ items. No urgency.

You know what came up five days in? I was afraid of getting tired. Deeply afraid. Like it would break me to get even a little bit tired.

What I thought of as ‘tired’ was actually ‘totally burnt out with nothing left’. 

Lightbulb moment!

Tired is not bad.

Tired is not failing.

Tired doesn’t mean I’m not fit enough, strong enough, good enough.

It means I need to rest and receive. It means I’m human.

Because I’ve frequently pushed myself beyond merely ‘tired’ and into ‘burnout’, I’ve become afraid of tired. But tired is fine and natural and enjoyable when it works. When it asks for rest and respite and is allowed.

I see so much pressure in the online world, on social media, among creative entrepreneurs, to hustle and get it all done and be total and utter superheroes. The answer to productivity? Schedule everything to within a millisecond! Not getting the sales? Work harder and longer! Something you’re not sure about? Worry until your body is shot through with adrenaline fatigue and the effects of long-term stress.

You know what? I don’t see respect for our humanness in that.

What if we respect tired more?

What if we acknowledge that the response to tired isn’t more caffeine or a tighter schedule or more sugar and carbs and Buddha bowls?

The natural response to tired is rest.

Somewhere along the way, we forgot.

If you, like me, have been on the brink of breakdown or quitting or burnout, will you look at your relationship to tired?

Here’s the thing: dealing with tired means we can deal with everything else

How does your body tell you it’s tired?

How does your brain tell you it’s tired?

(I’ve noticed that my brain often gets tired first, so walking or running or yoga helps my body to take over for a while, so my brain can rest. There’s no point sleeping when my body’s pumped, even if my brain thinks it’s ready for sleep.)

Where can you find, schedule, and commit to resting your weary brain, body, heart and soul?

What’s the moment you could take your foot off the pedal so that tired doesn’t turn into burnt out?

Which expectations do you need to let go of? When do you tell yourself you ‘should’ keep going, even when your body is telling you it needs to stop?

Who do you need to follow or unfollow to encourage your healthy relationship with rest and humanness?

Here are some of my favourite resources:

You know what else helps? Connecting with other people who treasure rest. Who value it and recognise that we’re worth the rest we need, no matter what. But sometimes we have to stand up to the whole world that tells us we have to earn it in a plethora of ways.

If you need encouragement, I’m here. If you need strategies, I’m here. If you need to talk it through or work on how to stand up to others or figure out how to grow your business without burning out, I’m here.

We can do this. (And I don’t mean hustle hard.)

Jenny xx

Here's the thing: building something better

Building something betterThe last few weeks have been eventful. I probably don’t need to tell you that.

EU referendum results. Orlando. Shootings. Leadership battles. Demonstrations for many things. This morning, as I write, I’m waking up to news of Nice and Bastille Day attacks. A new wave of fear and violence.

As humans, I think we’re programmed to try and make sense of things. Except it doesn’t feel like there is much sense in the world right now! Politicians are imperfect, working for their own ends. Humans are flawed and hurt and selfish and, well, stupid. And causing other humans more hurt and anger and injustice.

We try to make sense of things, and yet life goes on, in its imperfect way. Orders still come in. Work still has to get done. People try to sell us stuff. School holidays come anyway, as if they don’t know the world has been shaken up over and over again.

I’ve been thinking about that song, ‘The End Of The World’:

Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world
‘Cause you don’t love me any more

Okay, so it’s about personal loss. But that sense of the world continuing, ignorant of our human chaos and pain, that certainly resonates for me.

It’s also been hard to make sense of things when there also seems like a disproportionate amount of personal loss or challenge for people around me. Friends and clients have lost family members recently, or had battles at work that have left them depleted, or been ill themselves. Add that to a general sense of fear and uncertainty (sometimes doom), and we’ve got a crisis.

I’ve continued to settle into a new city and live my life as best I can, which includes tears and worry anyway, even when the world doesn’t seem like it’s falling apart. I’ve had the emotional ups and downs of launching Copper Boom Studio. (I have SO MUCH to tell you about that and about a whole load of awesome Christmas Support stuff I’m working on, but it’s all going to have to wait until another day.)

Because today I want to share a few truths I’ve come to. Not a way to fix the world or to provide a guarantee of safety and happiness. But truths about what I see, ways to be in this uncertain world.

After weeks of tiredness and tears (okay, and a whole bout of them in the last 24 hours, too), I’m ready to stand up for building something better. On the other side of despair is hope. And I’m a big believer in hope. I seek it out often. I like to see opportunities for ways in which things can be better – it’s one of my inherent talents, honed over a lifetime.

So here’s the thing…

We can build better. In light of everything that doesn’t work. In light of bad decisions. In light of injustice and human error. What we see is ways the world can and needs to improve.

Okay, I’m not planning on personally figuring out any kind of Brexit plan for the UK. And I’m unlikely to overturn all the bigotry and racism in the world. Although I will speak up when I see it.

We need more love. More truth. More compassion. More firm voices doing something positive and different.

These are the things we can do. These are the things that I feel are essential to my work in the world.

And doing something positive and different are the unique traits of small businesses and entrepreneurs. We have an autonomy and a voice that allows for small battles to be won. Working in a meaningful way that values human life. Spreading messages that are compassionate and true and that lift up the world, rather than succumbing to fear.

Maybe running your own business feels vulnerable and hard and not of any value. Maybe you don’t feel like you can change anything. You’re just trying to make a living and there are commercial practices and rules and things other people are doing that prevent you from making a difference.

I hear your fear. Truly. But I also know that it’s not true.

On the other side of fear, you can find meaning. You can create products that are meaningful. You can sell in places that are doing positive work. Or you can sell in places that bring in all the cash so that you have resources to do the meaningful work. You can use your buying power and employing power and creative power to make people’s lives better. You can spread kindness, little by little.

This is my plan. Last year, it became clear that my work in the world is to lift people up, to support them in living their best lives, running the businesses they truly want, feeling better, often through healing old hurts and challenges.

This has never been more true or more important.

I have Copper Boom, chock full of resource to help people look better, feel better about about their businesses, and get more stuff done. It’s practical, and I’m proud of that. But we work in love. To be on a photoshoot with my team is to see unconditional love for products and businesses that will benefit from our care and attention and time.

And I have mentoring. The one-on-one conversations that have the opportunity to add clarity, to uncover something we didn’t know was there, to bolster against challenge and fear. This is what I’m drawn back to, over and over again.

I have retreats and workshops and writing. I have a Christmas Support package that will open for registration next week in which I will be bringing something new and different to planning for that busy old time.

I am committed to building something different, something better. As always, I am committed to healing myself and the world, because I honestly don’t know what else I would do. (Despair. Endlessly.)

I also know that, in order to do this big important work, I need to have a base line of energy. So self-care, even when I see the world full of people who need more care than me, is vital.

Here are some ideas:

  • Early nights. I’m an advocate for sleep, that’s for sure, but especially when the emotional strain is high. I’m endeavouring to get to bed early and winding down slowly.
  • Feeling the feelings. We can get caught in suppressing our feelings when they’re big and scary and vulnerable and uncertain. But feelings are meant to be felt, and then they move on. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need to be really angry, I find a safe space to let it out.
  • Connecting. I think one of the reasons Facebook is so addictive, even when it’s not actually helping, is because it gives us a sense of connection, which we really need right now. But rather than trying to find it in the numbed-out world of social media, try it in the real world. Call a friend, talk to a partner, spend time with real people. Make eye contact.
  • Write a list of what you stand for. I find this so helpful to clarify what I’m working for, what I’m living for.
  • Make something with your hands. I probably don’t need to tell creatives this, but physically making something can feel like it’s filling you up. Knitting. Drawing. Cooking. Painting. Whatever feels good to you.

Trust that self-care is vital. Trust that you can build something better than before.

And if there’s anything I can do to help, I’d love to hear from you.

Jx

Here's the thing: what they don't tell you about becoming self-employed

what they don't tell you about being self-employedI was having a conversation with a wonderful client this week, and we both agreed: there is a lot they don’t tell you about becoming self-employed and starting a business.

Now, I know there are plenty of blog posts and articles and books out there telling us about the late nights and how you’ll have to get used to not having paid holidays and regular income. That’s all true. But they miss something out. Something big. Something that I’ve had to deal with, and that I help clients deal with every single day.

They don’t tell you how being your own boss will act as a giant magnifying glass, making you so much more aware of your habits, beliefs and attitudes to everything.

You realise what it means to be in charge of (and responsible for) your own life, actions, decisions. There’s no one else to blame. You’re not fighting a system or a boss or a culture. Everything is down to you.

You learn about your routine-making habits. Are you good at planning your time and sticking to a routine? Or do you find it hard to stay focused on your own? You gradually, over time, learn what kind of routine works for you. You keep learning it, and re-hashing it, because it changes.

The giant magnifying glass will blow up your beliefs about self-care so that they’re the Empire State Building. For months, I let exercise – even a walk in the park – become less important than emails or social media or just “getting ahead”. I let my work become more important than my body and wellbeing. I’ve had to examine that habit, because it doesn’t reflect what I actually believe.

Being self-employed will highlight every single thing you believe about money – how you earn it, how you spend it, what’s worth investing in. You’ll start to see where your fear crops up around investing. If it’s there, you’ll discover that you’re not naturally inclined to keep track of your expenses. Or perhaps, like some of my clients, you worry about every investment decision and keep yourself blinkered to what’s possible.

You will uncover a whole host of beliefs about your worth and your work’s value. What to charge? How to market? What have you been secretly believing about what marketing means? That you should just magically get customers without putting yourself out there? That you find it excruciating to put yourself out there? That you’re afraid of pissing people off by trying to make money doing what you love?

This is a particular area I’ve been thinking and learning about as part of my Playing Big training with Tara Mohr. The transition from “good student” to being out in the world of work, where the rules are very different. At school, we can quietly write essays and learn the rules and get good grades. It’s not easy, but we don’t have to put ourselves out there. In the world of work and business, we have to do the good work, make the good stuff AND talk about it. A lot. More than might feel comfortable. We have to get good at talking about it, so people know about our work. They don’t tell you about this discomfort and deep well of self-belief you have to build to combat it.

You’ll ask yourself questions like: Where are your boundaries? Are you worth the effort it takes to build, maintain and grow a business? Are you even capable of it? Can you ask for help? What if they (anyone) discover you’re not coping well? What does failure even mean?

You’ll find out that a lot of things don’t feel comfortable, and you’ll figure out how to deal with them.

I feel grateful that I had been working on my beliefs about my work, my worth, about money and time and quality and authenticity for years before I started my business. But even with the years of work and shifting beliefs, the enormity of the magnifying glass has still thrown any lingering doubt and fear and shame into bright and shocking light.

And I feel proud of myself for continuing to dive into all these beliefs and work through them. It’s absolutely essential to my work as a mentor, coach, consultant and retreat leader. It’s through looking through my own magnifying glass that I can guide my clients through working on their own stuff. I have the empathy and experience to have the conversations, question the beliefs, look at things differently. But I didn’t get here overnight.

So. If you’re reading this before you become self-employed, don’t be put off, but know that you’ve got a road ahead of you, and it includes some steep bits!

If you’re reading this as your own boss already, note which bits still stand out for you.

Either way, know that this magnifying glass business is a LOT easier and healthier when you have good, strong, appropriate support. A mentor or coach. A supportive network who truly gets it. A friend who can truly listen without sticking their own stuff in there.

The best, best thing you can do for yourself and your business is to be really honest about what’s going on. Struggling to keep up with your profit and loss? Explore the beliefs and old habits that are holding you back. Finding it difficult to share your products and market your business? Maybe it’s not just about it being ‘time-consuming’ – maybe you also have some beliefs about making your voice heard.

You may need someone to sit with you while you realise that you have these beliefs and habits holding you back. Find the right person, and while you do, hear this from me: It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. We all have limiting beliefs and struggles. They’re not the end of the world. You can get through them, even if it’s not today.

Deep breaths and cups of tea help.

Jx

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Enter The Forge

Life's too damn short to chase someone else's definition of success. I'm here to give you the courage and tools to forge your own path.