here’s the thing

Here's the thing: feel the disappointment in order to move forward

Disappointment is a somewhat disappointing fact of life.

And even though we can be in the ongoing process of creating a life with fewer disappointments by adjusting our expectations and our actions, the truth is we can’t guarantee outcomes, and so we experience disappointment.

From minor disappointments, like drinking a cup of tea way after it’s gone cold, to major disappointments, such as business opportunities not being fulfilled, it’s important that we can process everything we feel and make great choices going forward.

Even small disappointments, when noticed and processed, can lead to better situations next time. You might be more mindful of when you make a cup of tea next time, or you might get an insulated cup! For the bigger disappointments, the more we process them, the more we learn about what happened, what fell through, what that means for our choices going forward.

Too often, we’re too quick to try and jump up and move on and pretend nothing happened. Hope no one noticed, including ourselves. In my experience, this can keep us stuck in secret disappointment that we can’t shake off…

I was thinking about this over Christmas, when my five-year-old stepson got really upset at losing a game. My initial reaction is, “Wow, it’s not a big deal. He needs to not overreact like this.” Partly, I don’t want to see him upset, but also it’s so easy to forget how much of a disappointment this is for a small person. (Side note: I’m terrible at most games, so losing is no big deal for me!)

Reflecting on it, I want to help him deal with the disappointment. If he’s disappointed, I want him to be able to express it and process it healthily. I don’t want it to be suppressed so that in the future he’s just aggressively determined to win. He needs to know that it’s okay to lose, to be disappointed, but he can still try again, he can still have fun.

Disappointment points us to what we want

Maybe you wanted to win that game. Maybe you wanted to score that interview in the local paper. Maybe you wanted to win an award, or buy a specific house, or get a wholesale contract with a lovely shop.

Maybe you were disappointed by someone – someone let you down, whether on purpose or not.

I absolutely want you to be able to pick yourself up and move forward. I think that is one of the most important strengths of an entrepreneur. The determination and resilience required to try again is vital in pretty much any self-employed profession.

But I don’t want you to squash the disappointment. Now, I’m not saying dwell in it and take a billion years to move past it. I’m not recommending getting stuck in being the martyr or the victim or starting the buy into the belief that you “have terrible luck”, “just never win anything”, or similar. (Insert your own downtrodden phrase here…)

So how do we hold space for the disappointment in order to get over it?

We have to acknowledge the disappointment. We have to look at it, describe it, explain it, see it. We have to notice what it’s showing us about what we were hoping for, and what we can learn from it.

And then we can make a plan to either get what we were hoping for some other way, or turn our attention to something else.

Sometimes we don’t even realise we’re disappointed until way after the fact. We didn’t realise how much we wanted something until it hasn’t happened, until it falls through. These can be confusing to process, but are some of the most interesting places to discover what you really want.

Sometimes we can attach a whole load of meaning to why we didn’t get what we wanted – meaning that isn’t really there. “I didn’t get that promotion because my products aren’t good enough.” “I didn’t get the house because I don’t deserve it.” “That relationship fell through because I’m not pretty enough.”

Before we jump to conclusions in reflecting on disappointments, let’s avoid making sweeping assumptions, especially when they relate to other people’s decisions. We don’t know what led someone to promoting something instead of yours. We don’t know exactly why someone chose to go in a different direction.

Honestly, I think entire lives can change based on an assumed meaning we’ve attached to something because it’s a tender place or a secret fear. Let’s keep our minds open to the possibilities – and remember that we don’t always know exactly why something didn’t come together.

Here are some questions to reflect on:

  • Start by naming your disappointment. What are you disappointed about?
  • Did it catch off-guard? Were you expecting to be this disappointed?
  • What were you hoping would happen?
  • What is it about that thing that was important to you?
  • What’s the feeling? Can you describe it physically, emotionally? Give it form.
  • What do you need to let go before you can move on?
  • What are you telling yourself about this disappointment? Are there any stories you need to acknowledge aren’t necessarily true?
  • Is there anything you can learn from the situation to help you in the future?
  • Do you still want to pursue the outcome? How might you change your approach having been through this experience?

Brene Brown talks about the vulnerability of actually admitting how much we want something to happen, so that we give ourselves the time and space and support to process it if it doesn’t happen. Let’s not pre-reject ourselves when we’re declaring our big dreams, and let’s not shrug off something that was disappointing because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable.

For me, even the client who decides not to book a session can be disappointing, especially if it’s someone I’d love to work with. Yes, I trust that they are making the best decision for them. Yes, I’ll survive. But if I let that little disappointment go un-checked, I can end up with a story about how I’m no good or will never get a client again.

I need to write about the disappointment, to explain to myself what I was looking forward to, and remember that I can still get that elsewhere and with other clients. And I often end up writing a list of all the factors that could have been – a powerful activity for anyone who tends towards thinking it’s their fault.

Embrace the disappointment so that you can move forward with a clear mind, a clear heart, and more information about yourself and your business. I highly recommend it.

Jx

PS New Year Coaching sessions are still available until the end of February. Get booked in now.

Here's the thing: you are your business and you're not

you are your businessI’ve believed for a while that most of us creative entrepreneurs and makers and writers and designers and photographers and coaches etc are our businesses. We run personal, whole-hearted, authentic businesses that have personal brands (or brands with a highly personal touch) and that, in many ways, we are inextricably linked to our business.

But there’s a counter-argument, a koan-like opposite that I also hold true: our worth as humans is separate from the external success or failures of our businesses.

When we create businesses based on our unique personal talents, they are so closely linked to who we are, how we feel, how we express ourselves, and how confident we are. That’s part of their power: that the business is close to our own power.

But creating such a tight bind between self to business and business to self can be damaging to both.

Because when you’re not seeing sales, does that mean you, as a person, are not worth money (and love and attention and care and more)?

Does negative feedback mean that you’re damned for all eternity as a person, as well as a business?

And does a successful business month or year mean that you’ve won at also being a friend, partner, sister, parent, human? Not necessarily.

You are your business

You’re the life force that created your business. You’re the mother – you birthed it into the world with the vital elements required for it to live.

Your wellbeing, the care of your heart and mind and soul and body, has a direct impact on how well you are able to continue putting love and life and care and wisdom into your business.

You are the place where the buck stops. You ultimately make the key decisions of your business. You are powerful. You’re the queen and the king and the boss of your business.

I am utterly convinced that, for the majority of us, starting a business and managing a business and continuing a business is a process that magnifies the nuances of our personal strengths and weaknesses. Your beliefs about money, rest, hard work, self-care, other people, boundaries, entitlement, connection and so much more are out in the arena for you to battle with.

If you had an underlying belief, perhaps secret even to you, that people are inherently judgemental and mean, this will become clear as you work with people, sell to them, and connect with them. It might become clear because you suddenly don’t want to show up anymore, or that your internal dialogue condemns all your critics as the mean, nasty teacher you had at school.

I say this not to put you off, or to imagine that you’re the only one. That example in the paragraph above, that’s one of mine. Of course, I don’t 100% believe that people are inherently judgemental and mean. I have a lot of evidence that people are kind and generous and supportive and creative and sometimes just plain ambivalent. But somewhere along the way, this darker belief surfaced, too. The one that leads me to hide away for weeks at a time and not put myself out there.

And in order to be successful in business, I have to work with this belief, and many more like it, in order to have a functional, thriving, successful relationship with marketing and managing my businesses.

This is what I mean: our beliefs will shape at least some of the success (or not) of our business.

You are not your business

You, the person, are already whole, worthy, and amazing.

You are allowed to be happy, to rest, to love yourself, to be loved by others, even if you haven’t made a sale or done everything on your list today.

You are bigger and more complex than a business. You are heart and mind and body and soul. You get cold and hot. You feel more emotions than any non-human entity. You get tired and you get inspired. You have instincts and dreams and desires.

You and your business are separate, like lovers or partners or friends. You give to your business, and you receive something in return. Your business gives to you, and you have the gratitude and energy to give back. (When you’re in a functional relationship, that is.)

Your business may not survive without you if you took your love and energy and attention away from it right now. But you would survive without it.

There is part of you – even if it feels very small and invisible – that does not rely on your business being successful in order to survive. It doesn’t need you to make five figures this month or gain 15k followers on Instagram. It doesn’t even need you to break even. This part of you is already whole and worthy of love and belonging, no matter what happens.

Celebrate your successes, by all means! It’s incredible what you’re putting into the world. Every product published, every sale made, every glowing review deserves a little toast of a cup of tea and piece of gratitude. You did it! You put it out there. And it paid off.

But please, oh please, watch the belief that one failure, one negative piece of feedback, or even a million of both, means that you are failure.

You are separate.

The personal and professional balance

In order to do the work we’re called to do in the world, the creative work, the heart-centred work, the personal business work, we have to take care of our own minds and bodies and hearts. We have to take care of the human at the heart of the business.

For many of my clients and retreat-ers and friends, it is immensely helpful to hear that self-care has to be part of their business plan for long term, sustainable business. That they are very much linked to their business success on that energetic level.

That means self-care: rest, nourishment, nurturing, exercise, healthy environments to work in.

It also means self-development and awareness: investigating the beliefs and re-writing the things that hold you back. Healing your relationships to money, hard work, receiving, creativity and more. An example: do you believe that you’ll somehow ‘use up’ all your good ideas? This is proven not to be the case, but many creatives believe that they won’t find the next big thing ever again. To quote Maya Angelou: “You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have.”

It’s also vital to see that you’re in relationship with your business. And like any relationship, to be healthy, you need good boundaries, good give and take, and good communication.

So here’s the thing

This balance, this dichotomy of being connected and separate from our businesses is the heart of my work. These beliefs and approaches and ideas are what I bring to one-on-one coaching and mentoring, as well as to my retreats, courses and workshops.

I can’t shy away from it any more. That part of me that believes everyone reading this is judgemental and mean and will think I’m totally crazy? I’ve got that part in check. I’ve chatted with her, figured out that she’s trying to keep me safe, and these days, I can keep her happy enough to get myself out there with these ideas about working with the human within the business for success all round.

If this isn’t for you, I understand. Possibly time to find another business coach or mentor to follow.

If this intrigues you, if you feel your heart or soul or body or some small part of you yearning for care and balance and coming alive and intuition, then perhaps working with my one on one or a workshop or retreat is something you’ll consider.

Let’s find our true path, within and separate from our businesses.

Jenny xx

Here's the thing: thoughts on being tired

tiredAre you really tired? As an entrepreneur. As a boss. As a creative. As a parent. As a person. It’s tiring. There’s always so much STUFF to do. Never ending. Doom-laden.

I can totally relate.

I was on holiday (honeymoon) recently and I actually got to a point of not-tired. Which was amazing! How long is it since I felt like that?!

And so obviously I wanted to keep feeling not tired, even when I got home and was back to the normal routine and pressures. One of the best things about my honeymoon (that I can talk about publicly – oo-er!) was the clarity it allowed me. Space to think. Space to reflect. No deadlines. No ‘must-do’ items. No urgency.

You know what came up five days in? I was afraid of getting tired. Deeply afraid. Like it would break me to get even a little bit tired.

What I thought of as ‘tired’ was actually ‘totally burnt out with nothing left’. 

Lightbulb moment!

Tired is not bad.

Tired is not failing.

Tired doesn’t mean I’m not fit enough, strong enough, good enough.

It means I need to rest and receive. It means I’m human.

Because I’ve frequently pushed myself beyond merely ‘tired’ and into ‘burnout’, I’ve become afraid of tired. But tired is fine and natural and enjoyable when it works. When it asks for rest and respite and is allowed.

I see so much pressure in the online world, on social media, among creative entrepreneurs, to hustle and get it all done and be total and utter superheroes. The answer to productivity? Schedule everything to within a millisecond! Not getting the sales? Work harder and longer! Something you’re not sure about? Worry until your body is shot through with adrenaline fatigue and the effects of long-term stress.

You know what? I don’t see respect for our humanness in that.

What if we respect tired more?

What if we acknowledge that the response to tired isn’t more caffeine or a tighter schedule or more sugar and carbs and Buddha bowls?

The natural response to tired is rest.

Somewhere along the way, we forgot.

If you, like me, have been on the brink of breakdown or quitting or burnout, will you look at your relationship to tired?

Here’s the thing: dealing with tired means we can deal with everything else

How does your body tell you it’s tired?

How does your brain tell you it’s tired?

(I’ve noticed that my brain often gets tired first, so walking or running or yoga helps my body to take over for a while, so my brain can rest. There’s no point sleeping when my body’s pumped, even if my brain thinks it’s ready for sleep.)

Where can you find, schedule, and commit to resting your weary brain, body, heart and soul?

What’s the moment you could take your foot off the pedal so that tired doesn’t turn into burnt out?

Which expectations do you need to let go of? When do you tell yourself you ‘should’ keep going, even when your body is telling you it needs to stop?

Who do you need to follow or unfollow to encourage your healthy relationship with rest and humanness?

Here are some of my favourite resources:

You know what else helps? Connecting with other people who treasure rest. Who value it and recognise that we’re worth the rest we need, no matter what. But sometimes we have to stand up to the whole world that tells us we have to earn it in a plethora of ways.

If you need encouragement, I’m here. If you need strategies, I’m here. If you need to talk it through or work on how to stand up to others or figure out how to grow your business without burning out, I’m here.

We can do this. (And I don’t mean hustle hard.)

Jenny xx

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Enter The Forge

Life's too damn short to chase someone else's definition of success. I'm here to give you the courage and tools to forge your own path.