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Here's the thing: bounce-ability

I’ve been thinking recently about what it takes to bounce back from set backs. It’s not always easy, when things go wrong, to come back fighting. Or to deal with it at all, to be honest.

Obviously, we try to prevent things from going wrong. We try to stop disasters from happening, and we try to keep people happy and customers satisfied. But we can’t always control the outcome.

In fact, trying to control the outcome all the time is pretty exhausting and can prevent you from doing what you want to do. You can end up not doing anything, because you’re afraid of doing something wrong.

What’s more important, in fact, is how readily you bounce back.

We’re programmed and often in the habit of beating ourselves up when something goes wrong. Of jumping straight into that familiar story of “I’m such an idiot”, “This is a disaster”, “I can’t believe I let this happen”. Whatever your version of this story is, it can hold you back from responding well from the situation, and, ultimately, it can make the “bad thing” worse.

When you get stuck in this blame-shame story after something goes wrong, you reduce your ability to fix the problem. You prevent yourself from seeing things clearly, and you hold yourself back from turning things around.

And you actually make that “I’m an idiot” voice stronger. Which isn’t what we want at all!

If, instead, you focus on your bounce-ability, you give yourself an opportunity to have a much healthier relationship with mistakes and unforeseen circumstances.

I’ve been working on my own bounce-ability for a while, and there have been moments recently when I’ve thought, “Wow, I would never have been able to deal with that so well – it would have spun me out and made me feel like crap for days.” It’s a muscle I’ve learnt to develop. Thank goodness!

For example, last week I hosted my first live call as part of my course, Inspired Action. I’ve done live chat before – where you’re just typing – but not really a live video call. And I had tested the technology a bit, but it still wasn’t what I expected. We had ads (really awkward ones), and people had them at different times. And, in true working-from-home style, my postman was really determined to deliver a package about 10 minutes into the call. Because I was in my usual spot, he could see me from the window, so not only was he ringing the doorbell, he started waving at me from outside!

First off, I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who was on the call, and was so understanding and kind while all of this was happening. Thank you all for knowing that I’m human!

I’m also proud of myself for keeping my cool, knowing that I kind of had to make the most of the call anyway. I used humour and kindness to explain what was going on, and I made sure that I followed up online with anyone who’d missed a bit of an answer. I encouraged people to ask for what they needed if they didn’t get it in the call because of the interruptions.

And when I say I used kindness, let me clarify: I was kind to myself.

Even while I was on camera and talking to people, I was running a kindness script in my head. “This is a disaster! No, wait, look, people are really enjoying the course. And they’re still on the call. This is going okay, despite interruptions. You’re handling this as best you can, and you know that you can make up for it afterwards. Let’s keep going. Focus on the question in front of you. Ignore the postie…”

Bounce-ability is a shift from “Oh no!” to “Right, what can I do about this?”. Or, when there’s nothing to do, “I did my best, what can I learn for next time?”. (It’s not “Oh my god, that can never happen again!” But, “How can I make it better next time?”)

Bounce-ability recognises that we’re human, that perfection is an illusion, and that progress is where it’s at!

Here’s the thing…

I wanted to share some ideas and resources to help you build and develop your bounce-ability. Many of the concepts are based in self-compassion, and I highly recommend Dr Kristin Neff’s book ‘Self-Compassion’, and the resources on her website.

Here are some ways to build your own bounce-ability:

Compassion. Let’s start with the biggie. A huge part of bouncing back is accepting mistakes as a part of life, a part of human experience. It’s okay to mess up. It happens. It’s hard, but it’s not a reflection of how brilliant you are. Compassion means recognising when something’s hard for you, being nice to yourself about it and giving yourself credit for dealing with it.
Letting go of control. Know that you can’t control everything. The “I’m so stupid” response gets in the way of bouncing back because it reinforces the false belief that you’re able to control every outcome, and have failed. In actual fact, you’ve done your best, but something has happened.
Repeat after me: It’s not the end of the world. Let’s get some loving perspective on whatever has happened. Sure, you might be embarrassed or have lost money on a mistake. But you’re still here, still breathing, still able to choose a great way to deal with it.

The points above are phase 1 – the good self-talk, the positive reinforcements. The better able you are to connect with these three principles, the easier it will be to move on to phase 2 – dealing with it.

Focus on what you can do. Once we’ve been kind to ourselves about the problem, let’s stop dwelling on it. Rather than getting caught up in over-thinking all the things that led to the problem, let’s focus on now, on what we can do. It might be time to get out the mop and marigolds, and clean up!
Take initial action quickly. This gets easier with time, because you can complete phase 1 more quickly. Even if it’s one tiny step, the quicker you do it, the quicker you let everyone know you’re on it, and it’s going to be fine (including yourself).
Have protocol, where possible. This is particularly helpful in your business. For example, if there’s a problem with an order going missing, it can be really helpful for you to decide that you don’t even bat an eyelid – you simply send out another one. Customer’s happy, you’re feeling good, and you haven’t wasted time worrying about how awful or annoying it is. Having protocol, especially for customer service issues, makes it way easier to bounce back from problems. It works really well for semi-predictable situations
Think creatively, and think long-term. When you allow yourself to focus on all the options (not just the one where you’re hiding in a corner forever), you can really creative about a problem. You don’t just bounce back. You turn the whole freaking thing around! And, what’s more, you recognise that it’s all about the long-term – one little blip isn’t going to set you back.

It’s not always easy to deal with mistakes, and when things go wrong. And I know from my own experience that this is something to develop over time. But I hope that, next time you find yourself in a sticking situation, you’ll come back to these ideas.

Ultimately, I hope you remember that, even when you mess up or something unexpected happens, you’re doing great, you’re only human, and you’ll survive.

Have a great weekend,

Here's the thing: when you don't love your business

This week, someone on my Facebook page asked me for resources that talked about what to do when you’re not in love with your business. What to do, in fact, when you hate your business. And I drew a blank – I couldn’t think of anything.

And yet this isn’t an unusual conversation for me, really. I talk to clients all the time about struggles they’re having, and sometimes those struggles get them to the end of their tether.

Let’s start with a huge dose of permission and kindness: you don’t have to love every ounce of your business all the time. You can have bad days. You can have bad months. That doesn’t mean you can’t get the love back.

Sometimes, you might find it hard to get out of bed in the morning. It’s dragging you down.

The first thing is to dig a little deeper into why you’re not in love with your business. What is it, exactly, that’s dragging you down?

Perhaps you’re not making the products you really want to be making. Maybe you’re feeling the relentless pressure of doing it all by yourself. Or you’re getting caught in the comparison trap, instead of following your own dreams and instincts. Perhaps you’re putting things out there in the world and not getting much back.

Maybe, and I hear this so often, you find it hard to interact with customers – demanding, needing attention, confused – on a day to day basis. For many creative people, who are brilliant at design, customer service isn’t exactly a natural place to be. People can be challenging, especially when it feels like they’re always in the right and you’re always in the wrong. Especially when their passion for your product or service turns into frustration or resentment when it didn’t turn up on time, or solve all their problems.

And because we’re social creatures, these difficult conversations can really drag us down. They can take the fun out of everything.

I’ve worked with several clients who’ve struggled with customer service in their business, and I can honestly say that the difference between those who’ve successfully moved on are those who have actively chosen to think differently about it. And I don’t think you can make that happen if it isn’t there… You have to really want to change your mind about your customer interactions.

Because they require generosity, as well as clear boundaries that you uphold every day. I believe in boundary setting, and I know how hard it is to say no to people when it feels like you should say yes. But saying yes to big demands and difficult people can really impact your love for your business.

So I think customer service is good place to start if you’re struggling. But be really honest about what you’re struggling with – it may be different for you.

I also believe that it’s really hard to pour all your efforts into a business that doesn’t give you anything back. And I’m not just talking about money. What do you need your business to give you? Is it about the flexible lifestyle? Does it need to feed your creative passion? Is there a certain amount you need to make to feel good about it? As much as you can, get clear on the answers to those questions, and you may find that new and exciting answers start showing themselves to you.

And it’s okay to stop and change your mind.

Ultimately, if you can’t see a way of changing smaller things – like customer service, or delegating tasks you hate to someone else – then it might be time to take a small sabbatical to reflect on bigger changes. Take a couple of days off. Take a week off. Get out of your life and your business. Go on a retreat.

And while you’re away, allow yourself free reign to dream big, outside anything you’ve dreamt of before, perhaps. It might be time for a big change in your business. If you really can’t delegate or change your customer service policy, and let that be enough, you may need to re-think your business completely. Let yourself do that.

What makes you excited? What gets your creativity flowing? And I don’t mean, ‘What’s another product you could churn out?’ That’s not going to get you fired up. What feels really good to you?

These answers may not come immediately. You may need to really release the stress and pressure of working on something that’s breaking your heart. You may need to rest, deeply, before you can start thinking about the next thing fully.

Thinking about doing something new, whether it’s a first business or second or third, requires you to love yourself so much, to believe in yourself, and to believe that you can do something more – you’re allowed to do whatever you want. If you told me you wanted to sack it all in and become a lawyer or a masseuse or a teacher or a full time mum, I’d help you find a way to get there.

If no one else tells you this, I will: you can do whatever you like. There are no wrong answers.

Here’s the thing

This is a huge topic, and there are so many things to try to rekindle the love, and so many ways to think about a new line of work. I could write a dozen blog posts about this.

But here are the headlines:

If you hate it, you need to change something. And I recommend changing it consciously, rather than just trying anything and everything willy-nilly. Think carefully, trial it, track the outcome.
Delegate what you can. If you hate packing orders, hire someone. If writing product descriptions or blog posts isn’t your thing, hire someone.
Change your product range. Stop selling products that hurt your soul. Or change them radically. If the things you hate are bestsellers, figure out how much income you’ll ‘lose’ and figure out if it’s worth the trade off.
Introduce more of what you love. If you don’t offer it, people can’t love it or buy it. If you’ve always wanted to do more illustration or writing, start. I promise you won’t ruin anything.
Take a big break. Give yourself permission to dream, and to not work. Plan to extend your delivery times or put your shop on holiday while you do some soul searching.

People don’t talk about hating their business – it’s kind of taboo. But sometimes it happens. Sometimes, all that work isn’t worth it.

That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You’ve just learnt what you don’t want. So start learning more about what you do want.

PS Inspired Action starts in a little over a week. If you’re looking for some inspiration to work on your online shop, you might find it’s just the thing! Read more and register here.

Here's the thing: control what you can

Recently I’ve been thinking about control. Lots of people – friends, clients, people on Facebook – claim to be “control freaks”. In my life, I have also claimed the same.

It feels good to be in control, right? And when we decide to be self-employed, it’s often because we want to be in the driving seat of our working lives (and, moreover our whole lives). We like autonomy. I certainly do.

But the truth of life is that we can’t control everything. We can’t control the weather, or the postal service, or customers, or suppliers. We can’t control other people. We can’t decide what anyone else is going to do.

That’s the reality we live in. And a lot of the time it feels really hard.

Because we want to do it our way. Because we want to do it well.

I find it really challenging when I have a vision for something, some way that it’ll work, but there’s an obstacle in the way of making it happen. And I hear this almost daily from clients. There are often compromises to be made on a product design, or a photograph, or a sales platform.

We can see how it could work, beautifully – and we want to control everything to make sure it does. You know what it’s like. Control the beginning, control the end. Control the design, control the production. Control what people say and think and feel about you.

More and more, I’m getting comfortable with not being in control of everything. So that I can focus my efforts on areas that I can influence. So that I don’t drive myself mad.

Here’s the thing:

I think a big part of getting comfortable with not being in control – for me – started last year, when I chose trust as my word for the year. If you’re going to try to let go of control a little more, trust is a really good place to start.

I’m learning that I can only trust myself to do the things that are really, genuinely, in my control. That’s honestly about two things each day. I can control my actions. I can (try to) control my responses. I can influence what I put out in the world (I can’t always control every bit of it).

If I try to trust myself to do more – if I try to control more – I ultimately let myself down. Which doesn’t feel good. And it tends to lead to a downward spiral, like this:

Try to control something I can’t… Feel it slipping away… Try harder… Tell myself I’m going to fail… Fail… Beat myself up about it… Try to control something else…

Sometimes, when we lose control of one thing (say, a product launch or a response from a supplier), we try to control other things (like our spouse’s behaviour, or our children’s eating habits). And because we’re already angry about not being in control, we take it out on them and on us.

The answer?

Focus your attention and efforts on what you can influence.

Forget everyone else. (Comparison is the thief of joy.)

Trust that the right outcome will come your way, whether it’s something to learn from or something that turns out as you hoped. (You’ll still learn from that anyway, I hope.)

The world could use fewer control freaks and more trust. I hope you’ll join me on the journey.

Here’s the thing…

And it’s okay to stop and change your mind.

Here’s the thing

Here’s the thing:

Enter The Forge