here's the thing Archives - Page 13 of 44

Here's the thing: the importance of the nuanced position

“It’s definitely messier taking a nuanced stance, but it’s also critically important to true belonging.” Brene Brown

I have spent a lot of my life, like many of us, search for the rule book. Just show me what to do to be happy, successful, loved and I’ll do it. Tell me exactly what to do and what not to do, and I’m good.

Let’s just categorise everything into back and white, shall we? Yes and no. Stop and go. That would be really exceptionally helpful.

Except it’s not real.

I love to bring clarity to clients, and to myself, to aid decision making and progress. But what I’ve discovered over the years is that sometimes the real clarity comes from holding two or more seemingly conflicting ideas. The nuanced position, while more complex and requiring more care and attention, is often more true.

You can be grateful for something and want it to change.

You can be totally over something and already missing it.

You can be totally fine about a situation and feel the disappointment.

You are your business and you’re not.

You can, as I have, both supported people immensely and let them down.

When we leap to a nice clean viewpoint, we can miss the complexity and detail of the situation. Which is what Brene Brown is saying in the quote above. To really show up fully, we have to accept the messy details of truth if we really want that buzzword of authenticity. If we want true connection and belonging and progress, we have to step up to the conflicting nuance of life.

I have a feeling that this is my work right now. I’m working on shining a light (my word for the year) on the darker things in order to understand them better.

And after four years of self-employment, mentoring clients, and providing content services, I’m working on blending the deep work of coaching and retreats WITH the practical application of accountability and planning. It’s not one or the other. It’s both.

It’s checklists and nudges and reminders, and it’s big conversations about what’s getting in the way. It’s deep, long-term work as well as quick wins and refreshes.

And I’m excited about it! I’m currently working on a new version of my monthly support course, which I’ll be calling Progress not Perfection, and it’s really the pinnacle of my unique blend of depth and practicality. The habits, structures and suggestions that help us to do the big work, the deep work, the truly satisfying work.

So what about you?

What are the nuances in your work, life, business that need a light shining on them?

What do you try to fit into a neat and tidy box, that really needs a few different shelves in order to thrive?

What if everything you feel, believe, create is true?

What if you don’t have to compromise and find a niche, when in reality everything is valid?

How could you embrace your own nuanced position this week?

It’s a little messy over here in Nuanceville. But you’re in good company. I promise.

Jenny x

Light: my word for 2018

For the past several years (maybe as many as eight?), I’ve chosen a word for the year. Inspired by One Little Word, it’s a tradition that helps me to set the tone for the year and keep me in tune with what I’m working towards.

Last year, it was pace (my new married surname and a pretty cool word in general). The year before, I chose bloom but I’m pretty sure the universe misheard me and thought I said boom because that was the year of Copper Boom‘s beginnings.

This year? This year, I’ve chosen light as my guiding word.

Side note: I also give out stars with words on (like this one) at my retreats, which aren’t consciously chosen, but provide another type of guidance. On the first night, we each choose a star from the collection and it’s always my believe that everyone gets exactly what they need. So I also have create as a supporting word. Perfect!

What light means to me

For me, this year, light has several meanings. A big one is that I want to feel lighter. Last year was pretty heavy. Good, in many ways, but big and full of significance. I bought a house. I got married. I made some big decisions about Copper Boom and my business in general. And while all those things were what I wanted, I got bogged down in the organising and deciding and making it happen.

So partly light is about enjoying life as it is without making big changes that require lots of energy.

The other big thing that came to mind when I was choosing my word for the year was shining a light on the dark. I don’t believe in ignoring the dark – those tricky, sticky, murky things we prefer not to look at. I don’t believe in ignoring dark emotions. (There are no bad emotions!) So I didn’t want light to mean that I would be pretending they don’t exist. Instead, it’s about seeing the dark, and bringing more light to those emotions, situations and realities. Encouraging more light, rather than demanding it.

For my work, it’s about shining the light for others, and sharing my light, my work. I love to be a guide post, a gentle and consistent way finder for my clients, friends and colleagues. I want my work to light you up, and to light your unique way. That’s what I show up every day to do. I do it through coaching, and I do it through creating content (words and images through Copper Boom) that lights up your products and offerings.

At my retreats, stars are the theme, and I explain that they’re a navigation tool, shining our way in the dark. That’s my work. That’s what I want to help others to discover for themselves.

Even as I write this, I feel more in love with light as my word for 2018!

Have you chosen a word for this year?

I know so many people who do this now, and I’m always fascinated by the words and the reasons behind them. I’d love to hear yours! Plus, supplementary question, do you have a way to display it in your studio or a piece of jewellery? I’m wondering whether I need a light symbol or piece of artwork…

Until soon

Jenny x

Here's the thing: feel the disappointment in order to move forward

Disappointment is a somewhat disappointing fact of life.

And even though we can be in the ongoing process of creating a life with fewer disappointments by adjusting our expectations and our actions, the truth is we can’t guarantee outcomes, and so we experience disappointment.

From minor disappointments, like drinking a cup of tea way after it’s gone cold, to major disappointments, such as business opportunities not being fulfilled, it’s important that we can process everything we feel and make great choices going forward.

Even small disappointments, when noticed and processed, can lead to better situations next time. You might be more mindful of when you make a cup of tea next time, or you might get an insulated cup! For the bigger disappointments, the more we process them, the more we learn about what happened, what fell through, what that means for our choices going forward.

Too often, we’re too quick to try and jump up and move on and pretend nothing happened. Hope no one noticed, including ourselves. In my experience, this can keep us stuck in secret disappointment that we can’t shake off…

I was thinking about this over Christmas, when my five-year-old stepson got really upset at losing a game. My initial reaction is, “Wow, it’s not a big deal. He needs to not overreact like this.” Partly, I don’t want to see him upset, but also it’s so easy to forget how much of a disappointment this is for a small person. (Side note: I’m terrible at most games, so losing is no big deal for me!)

Reflecting on it, I want to help him deal with the disappointment. If he’s disappointed, I want him to be able to express it and process it healthily. I don’t want it to be suppressed so that in the future he’s just aggressively determined to win. He needs to know that it’s okay to lose, to be disappointed, but he can still try again, he can still have fun.

Disappointment points us to what we want

Maybe you wanted to win that game. Maybe you wanted to score that interview in the local paper. Maybe you wanted to win an award, or buy a specific house, or get a wholesale contract with a lovely shop.

Maybe you were disappointed by someone – someone let you down, whether on purpose or not.

I absolutely want you to be able to pick yourself up and move forward. I think that is one of the most important strengths of an entrepreneur. The determination and resilience required to try again is vital in pretty much any self-employed profession.

But I don’t want you to squash the disappointment. Now, I’m not saying dwell in it and take a billion years to move past it. I’m not recommending getting stuck in being the martyr or the victim or starting the buy into the belief that you “have terrible luck”, “just never win anything”, or similar. (Insert your own downtrodden phrase here…)

So how do we hold space for the disappointment in order to get over it?

We have to acknowledge the disappointment. We have to look at it, describe it, explain it, see it. We have to notice what it’s showing us about what we were hoping for, and what we can learn from it.

And then we can make a plan to either get what we were hoping for some other way, or turn our attention to something else.

Sometimes we don’t even realise we’re disappointed until way after the fact. We didn’t realise how much we wanted something until it hasn’t happened, until it falls through. These can be confusing to process, but are some of the most interesting places to discover what you really want.

Sometimes we can attach a whole load of meaning to why we didn’t get what we wanted – meaning that isn’t really there. “I didn’t get that promotion because my products aren’t good enough.” “I didn’t get the house because I don’t deserve it.” “That relationship fell through because I’m not pretty enough.”

Before we jump to conclusions in reflecting on disappointments, let’s avoid making sweeping assumptions, especially when they relate to other people’s decisions. We don’t know what led someone to promoting something instead of yours. We don’t know exactly why someone chose to go in a different direction.

Honestly, I think entire lives can change based on an assumed meaning we’ve attached to something because it’s a tender place or a secret fear. Let’s keep our minds open to the possibilities – and remember that we don’t always know exactly why something didn’t come together.

Here are some questions to reflect on:

Start by naming your disappointment. What are you disappointed about?
Did it catch off-guard? Were you expecting to be this disappointed?
What were you hoping would happen?
What is it about that thing that was important to you?
What’s the feeling? Can you describe it physically, emotionally? Give it form.
What do you need to let go before you can move on?
What are you telling yourself about this disappointment? Are there any stories you need to acknowledge aren’t necessarily true?
Is there anything you can learn from the situation to help you in the future?
Do you still want to pursue the outcome? How might you change your approach having been through this experience?

Brene Brown talks about the vulnerability of actually admitting how much we want something to happen, so that we give ourselves the time and space and support to process it if it doesn’t happen. Let’s not pre-reject ourselves when we’re declaring our big dreams, and let’s not shrug off something that was disappointing because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable.

For me, even the client who decides not to book a session can be disappointing, especially if it’s someone I’d love to work with. Yes, I trust that they are making the best decision for them. Yes, I’ll survive. But if I let that little disappointment go un-checked, I can end up with a story about how I’m no good or will never get a client again.

I need to write about the disappointment, to explain to myself what I was looking forward to, and remember that I can still get that elsewhere and with other clients. And I often end up writing a list of all the factors that could have been – a powerful activity for anyone who tends towards thinking it’s their fault.

Embrace the disappointment so that you can move forward with a clear mind, a clear heart, and more information about yourself and your business. I highly recommend it.

PS New Year Coaching sessions are still available until the end of February. Get booked in now.

So what about you?

Enter The Forge