Recently I’ve been thinking about control. Lots of people – friends, clients, people on Facebook – claim to be “control freaks”. In my life, I have also claimed the same.
It feels good to be in control, right? And when we decide to be self-employed, it’s often because we want to be in the driving seat of our working lives (and, moreover our whole lives). We like autonomy. I certainly do.
But the truth of life is that we can’t control everything. We can’t control the weather, or the postal service, or customers, or suppliers. We can’t control other people. We can’t decide what anyone else is going to do.
That’s the reality we live in. And a lot of the time it feels really hard.
Because we want to do it our way. Because we want to do it well.
I find it really challenging when I have a vision for something, some way that it’ll work, but there’s an obstacle in the way of making it happen. And I hear this almost daily from clients. There are often compromises to be made on a product design, or a photograph, or a sales platform.
We can see how it could work, beautifully – and we want to control everything to make sure it does. You know what it’s like. Control the beginning, control the end. Control the design, control the production. Control what people say and think and feel about you.
More and more, I’m getting comfortable with not being in control of everything. So that I can focus my efforts on areas that I can influence. So that I don’t drive myself mad.
Here’s the thing:
I think a big part of getting comfortable with not being in control – for me – started last year, when I chose trust as my word for the year. If you’re going to try to let go of control a little more, trust is a really good place to start.
I’m learning that I can only trust myself to do the things that are really, genuinely, in my control. That’s honestly about two things each day. I can control my actions. I can (try to) control my responses. I can influence what I put out in the world (I can’t always control every bit of it).
If I try to trust myself to do more – if I try to control more – I ultimately let myself down. Which doesn’t feel good. And it tends to lead to a downward spiral, like this:
Try to control something I can’t… Feel it slipping away… Try harder… Tell myself I’m going to fail… Fail… Beat myself up about it… Try to control something else…
Sometimes, when we lose control of one thing (say, a product launch or a response from a supplier), we try to control other things (like our spouse’s behaviour, or our children’s eating habits). And because we’re already angry about not being in control, we take it out on them and on us.
The answer?
Focus your attention and efforts on what you can influence.
Forget everyone else. (Comparison is the thief of joy.)
Trust that the right outcome will come your way, whether it’s something to learn from or something that turns out as you hoped. (You’ll still learn from that anyway, I hope.)
The world could use fewer control freaks and more trust. I hope you’ll join me on the journey.
Jx
