here’s the thing

I’ll start by saying this: this post is honest, open, and perhaps a little raw. If you’re not up for that, you’re in the wrong place.

Recently, I’ve been balancing a lot of stuff. Work, change, going on holiday, creating a home, building a life. I don’t know about you, but I’m a pretty sensitive person, as well as being an introvert. So, with a little over a year of building a business based on putting myself out there, I’ve been feeling out of balance, unsure, and out of sync with myself.

You might have noticed that I haven’t blogged in the last couple of weeks. That’s because I’ve a) been busy, and b) hidden from showing myself more than I already have. In July, I ran a four-week online course, which included lots of videos and writing and sharing my thoughts on running an online business. And my introverted self decided I needed some time off from putting myself out there.

The thing is, I didn’t sit myself down and think about this. I knew I had a lot of work to do – more than I had anticipated – but I put my reluctance to blog or post down to that, rather than admit that I was feeling kind of over-exposed.

In reality, I started telling myself that I wasn’t doing well enough, that I needed to work harder, and that I was a fraud.

That last one stings.

I’m fairly used to the voice in my head that tells me I’m not doing well enough and need to work harder – I’ve built up some fairly decent resilience to that.

The fraud thing, though. That’s new. That has built up since I’ve been self-employed, because there’s a critical voice in my head that says, ‘How can you possibly advise people on running a business?’ It says, ‘Who are you to tell other people what to do with their business?’

And then it packs the final punch: ‘You’re not perfect. You’re not running the perfect business.’

Ah, the perfection myth. Hello, old friend.

Let me tell you what I believe: I believe we’re all human, and that human nature, our existence, is imperfect. I believe perfection is, indeed, a myth. It’s unattainable, designed to keep us small, miserable, and feeling crappy. It’s very very different from healthy striving, from motivation to do a good job, from progress.

Let me tell you what I am: I am imperfect. I am someone who makes mistakes. I am a copywriter, a writer, who sometimes misses typos (especially when I’m over-worked or over-excited). I am spontaneous and intuitive, rather than strict and disciplined. I am enthusiastic and passionate, and I let my heart lead the way as often as I can (with my head on hand should I need it).

I spend my days helping other entrepreneurs and creatives develop their businesses. I often talk to clients about blogging regularly (so the fact that I haven’t recently, boy, you can imagine how my gremlins take that). I advise on being more efficient. I support clients who need to take a break or reduce their output because they’ve taken on too much.

I talk about all these things, but that doesn’t mean I’ve mastered them completely every single time. I’m still learning. I have a head-start on most things. I’ve already done a lot of the work.

But I know that I’ll never reach “perfect”.

So here’s the thing:

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’m a recovering perfectionist. The last couple of months have, apparently, been a new lesson in my recovery.

And while I could happily sit here and grit my teeth and be frustrated that I have to learn the bloody lesson again, I’m also grateful for it. Because, seriously, I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t want to fake it. If I’m not learning, doesn’t that mean the journey’s over, anyway?

If you find yourself feeling a fraud, feeling like you’re not allowed to do something, or think something, or feel something, I thoroughly recommend taking some time out to examine what’s going on.

Sure, if you try to pass off someone else’s work as your own, or lie with an open face and a smile, you might want to think about actual fraudulent activity.

But otherwise, likelihood is, you’ve got some gremlins and some perfectionism that needs acknowledging.

You’re more than welcome to hang on to the perfection myth if you’re not ready to dig into this. I work with and know so many people who aren’t ready – and that’s their choice and their path. For me, it’s not authentic to try to put on a mask of perfect. I don’t want people to think I’m something I’m not.

So when you’re ready to join the anti-perfection party, the perfectly imperfect, know this: it’s not always easy. It’s not always socially acceptable. You’ll learn who your friends are. You’ll learn who you are. And you’ll be in really good company.

Jx

I love this wistful quote: “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” (Zora Neale Hurston)

And perhaps I haven’t found them yet, but my experience that it isn’t necessarily years, but days, weeks, months. Sometimes it’s even hours that ask and hours that answer.

This idea of cycles, of moving through different periods of busy-ness, is an important one when you’re self-employed. It’s an idea to embrace, rather than be fearful of. It’s an idea to make work for you.

Because we all go through cycles. The creative process is cyclical. The world is bound by seasons. So are sales and customers. We move in peaks and troughs in all aspects of our lives. We get hungry, we eat, we’re full, we wait until we’re hungry again.

Once you accept that it’s going to happen, you can start to make it work for you.

For me, right now, I feel like I’m gathering. Ideas, questions, energy – it’s all about asking, sitting with it, but waiting for the answer. This is part of my creative process. I have to allow ideas and thoughts to germinate and take seed. I have to uncover a bit more about who I am and what I want to do. And while I’m doing that, it’s hard to answer questions clearly. So I don’t. I simply ask.

I have a client who is pregnant, and we’ve been working on a business plan that’s going to allow her to take time off, but we’ve also been working on the concept that this is the year to slow down the growth. If any year’s going to be slow, if any year’s going to be steady, it’s going to be this year. It needs to be this year.

I had a conversation with another client this week, who finds that pull at the end of her creative cycle – once she’s designed, prototyped, made, photographed, launched products, it’s not long until she’s bored with them and onto the next thing. This is fairly typical for creative people, and that energy for the next thing is certainly valuable. But we’ve also talked about slowing down the end of that cycle, so that she gets to reap the rewards of all that creativity.

We can’t always control the seasonality of our businesses. Sometimes things are busier, sometimes they slow down. There are those external cycles, as well as our internal ones.

And while it can be frustrating to have inconsistent and unpredictable sales patterns, or extremely high peaks and low troughs, there is a level of acceptance, I think, that’s necessary.

(That’s not to say you can’t work to increase low-season sales, or increase your baseline – that’s possible too.)

Here’s the thing

Cycles work best when we work with them, not against them.

It’s easier when we allow ourselves to ask the questions, without immediately hunting out for the answer. It’s clearer when we allow the idea to become fully developed.

Balance is an ideal so many of us aspire to, and I certainly look for it on a day to day basis. But it’s found in cycles. It’s found in being busy, and then resting. In having an idea, allowing it to grow, and then working towards the launch.

Are you asking or answering today?

Are there parts that need answering, and others that need asking?

Where are you out of balance? Perhaps there’s something you need to focus on as you cycle through the high summer?

I would love to hear where you are in your own personal cycle. And I’d love to hear how you find the commercial cycle of your business.

Much love and bags of kindness

Jenny x